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The best line I've heard to tell someone you don't drink.

Posted on July 29, 2005 at 01:24 AM

Continuing on with yesterday's Bill W./AA theme, I thought I would share with you one of the best lines I've heard to tell someone you don't drink. This one beats saying "I'm a friend of Bill W." by a long shot.

As it happens, I am privileged to be a part of a group of people that meet approximately once a month for a traveling card game. Texas hold' em to be exact (Go figure, who isn't playing Texas hold' em these days). The game is usually hosted in someone someone's house or garage and attracts a mixture of regular players and F.O.A.F.s (friends of a friend). When playing Hold' em, the more the merrier I always say.

So one evening a few weekends ago, a few friends and myself head over to catch the 10pm game. Everyone draws cards to see what table they'll start at and I find that I'm seated with a group of people in which I'm not all that familiar with. Doesn't really matter though because everyone is usually pretty friendly.

As the game progresses, I notice that everyone at my table is having a beer except for the rather quiet fellow seated directly to my right. I had introduced myself to him earlier in the evening but hadn't really spoken to him much since. One thing I've noticed is that most poker players are too much into the game to let themselves be bothered with idle chit-chat. I, on the other hand, tend to engage in frivolous table talk with anyone who will listen, which usually facilitates my early exit from each game.

Several hands pass and not a word comes out of his mouth. I noticed he still didn't have anything to drink so I thought I would break the ice and ask if he would like one of my beers. (I seemed to have plenty to share at the time). He politely responded,

"No thanks man, I'm allergic."

Ok, that's cool I thought. Sucks to be him. I've heard of weird things in which to be allergic like milk, grass, or peanuts. But alcohol? That's a new one on me.

So, play continues and I think nothing more of it, right?

Wrong.

The truth is I can't stop thinking about this. I keep thinking to myself: Man, what was it like the first time he had a beer? Did he break out in hives? Did his face swell up? Was his body suddenly enveloped by an itchy rash?

I try to act as nonchalant about the whole thing as I possibly can, you know, play it cool since it really isn't my business anyway. But around 4 hands later, the cards are being shuffled and someone else says,

"Hey "Jim", do you want a beer?"

I think to myself,"Here is my chance to ask." He again politely responds the same way he did before,

"No thanks man, I'm allergic?"

Well, here goes nothing. I look over at him and ask exactly what I had been thinking for the last 40 minutes,

"So what happened the first time you had a beer? Did you break out in hives or have a bad allergic reaction?"

He turned towards me with a dead-pan, matter-of-factly kind of look and said,

"Yeah, something like that. Whenever I drink I start seeing men in blue and I break out in handcuffs."

Wow. So there you have it. What a great line. I mean really, what do you say to that? Needless to say we all got quite a chuckle out of it.

Posted by joeschmidt at 01:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us

Who is Bill W and why are you his "friend"?

Posted on July 28, 2005 at 01:09 AM

Have you ever heard a term or phrase used in a conversation in which you had know idea what it meant? Sure it's happened to all of us at one point in time, we either play it off like we know exactly what they are talking about or stare blankly at the person like a deer in headlights. Quite recently I have found myself in this very same situation having heard the phrase "I'm a friend of Bill W" being used on TV and not knowing what the character was referencing.

The most recent occasion in which I heard this phrase used was on the HBO series "Entourage". If you've seen the show you may be familiar with the scene I'm talking, it takes place in this Season's Episode 11 ("Aquamansion") where Turtle tries to raise enough cash in order to buy himself some cashmere P.J.'s, allowing him to be properly clothed for that night's festivities at Hugh Hefner's mansion. Being short on cash, Turtle gets the idea to return some recently purchased Mac equipment to the Apple Store in hopes he can get cash instead of Mac Store credit. His hopes are dashed when he tries to persuade his friend/Apple Store clerk with an offer of weed to make the transaction go more smoothly to which she replied, "I'm a friend of Bill W's now." Needless to say he (and I as well) had no idea who Bill W. was and walked out of the store with a $2000 store credit instead of the cash he so desperately needed.

So after hearing this phrase being used on different TV shows over and over for the past few weeks and not knowing whatt it meant I turned to my trusty friend Google. I entered the search phrase "Bill W" into the box and hit search. As it turns out Bill W is short for Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. To say you are a "friend of Bill W." is to subtely convey to the person with whom you are speaking that you are either a member of AA, or that you are now sober, and no longer abuse drugs or alcohol. Mystery solved, if I had only done that sooner I would have saved myself the confusion.

But speaking of AA, you may believe it or not, but this blog has attended an AA meeting. Though not as a participant mind you, but merely as a guest. A friend of mine had a father who was/is an alcoholic (technically in AA you're an alcoholic even if you've been sober for 20 years) and asked if I would like to go to his AA meeting. This was no ordinary AA meeting but an event that would commemorate his being sober for 20 years. Given the opportunity now I would probably pass, but this being about 12 years ago, and me being 18, I couldn't resist. So I went.

To say the meeting was an unusual experience would be a understatement on my part. There auditorium where the meeting was held was packed full people (approx. 100-200) and it was a mixture of Alcoholics who hadn't had a drink in decades to people who probably finished off a stiff drink earlier that day. But it was exactly like you'd see in the movies or on TV. Everyone who went up to speak prefaced their comments with the standard A.A. line "Hi my name is _____ and I'm an alcoholic." But what caught me off guard was the response to this statement by those in attendance. It wasn't your standard, monotone, un enthused response of "hi ____ ." like you see on TV, but more of an exuberant, excited, and engaged "HI _____!!!!!!!!" which really caught my attention. As the evening progressed, I looked forward to this brief moment after someone introduced themselves because it added a little humor to what was other wise a depressing, mind boggling display of the effects of alcohol abuse.

All in all the experience was a real eye opener. I definitely wouldn't recommend it to anyone who is bored and looking for something to do on a Friday night, but if you really wanted to go Fight Club Narrator/Tyler Durden for an evening, it would be a good place to start. Though as bad as it was, I imagine it would be much better than going to a support group for testicular cancer with the name Robert Paulson on your name tag. I doubt they would find your actions humorous. (Disclaimer: The aforementioned comments were Fight Club references meant to be shameless attempts at humor. If you have no idea who Tyler Durden or Robert Paulson are and find yourself staring at their names like a deer in headlights, I suggest you look them up.)

Posted by joeschmidt at 01:09 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us

This blog has not been abandoned. Just ever so slightly neglected.

Posted on July 27, 2005 at 01:00 AM

If you are one of the tens of people who have visited this blog in the past few weeks hoping to get your daily JoeSchmidt.com fix, or to simply catch up on the exciting happenings taking place here at JoeSchmidt.com, I apologize for the lack of posting.

You see, I was going to start off this Month by trying to post something every day, just to see if it was humanly possible. It started with a conversation with a friend around the end of June. I had told him of my idea of doing 30 posts in 30 days, which of course was met with an eye roll and the comment, "Yeah right, I'll believe it when I see it."

His reaction turned out to be completely valid.

Four days passed until my first post for July and, as you know, nothing since. But now I am serious about this 30 posts in 30 days thing. I am throwing down the gauntlet. You, the faithful reader of this blog, shall witness a feat that has only been previously achieved by thousands of teenage bloggers blathering daily about whatever the hell a teenager talks about, or political pundit blogs posting one sentence blurbs about Supreme Court nominees, leaked CIA agent intel, and why Hillary will/won't be this nation's 44th president.

So.... maybe it isn't quite the "feat" I had originally envisioned, but I won't let that deter me.

Here is a glimpse of possible future posts:

• My one year Wal-mart free anniversary.
• Comments on the head of my legal dept. commencing his formal education.
• Debunking popular urban myths contained in forwarded emails sent by friend and family.
• Crappy places to live in America.
• How to remove dried, melted crayon from the inside of a clothes drier.
• Possible stunts intended to spread the word of JoeSchmidt.com out into the world.
• My brief stint as an assassin.

(wow. That covers week one. What the hell will I write about for the 23 days after that?)

The gauntlet starts tomorrow. Check back late tonight or early tomorrow morning for further developments.

Until then...

Posted by joeschmidt at 01:00 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us

Happy Cinco de July (Julio)

Posted on July 05, 2005 at 01:09 AM

The Fifth of July, or for my Spanish speaking friends Cinco de Julio, is not a well known holiday to most. In general, most people are probably unaware of it's existence, but it is a day where pyromaniacs everywhere come together to regale in their past 4th of July glory. Or for others, they may simply stop to count their fingers.

After lighting enough fireworks to level a small island nation, one must give thanks if he/she is still in possession of all their digits. Or, for those of you who may have started the 4th of July down a digit or two, you can be proud that you still have the same number of digits in which you started your festivities.

It is easy to spot a person who honors this holiday by observing their response to the question, "How was your 4th?" Their reply will not be with words, but most likely by holding up both hands to show that they're still intact.

After the tallying of the digits, Cinco de July is usually spent gathering up exhausted artillery shell cartridges, admiring the permanent stains on your cement from smoke balls, cleaning up various card board remnants of firecrackers, or picking up bottle rocket sticks out of the neighbors yard.

Until next year, mi amigos.

Posted by joeschmidt at 01:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us