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Bread is dangerous

Posted on April 27, 2005 at 01:15 AM

I'm not sure how I've failed to realize this before, but bread has to be one of the most dangerous substances known to mankind. Think I'm making this up? Read the facts regarding the dangers of bread for yourself.

People need to know about the dangers of bread. Imagine having bread on board an airplane. The TSA's prohibited item list doesn't allow people to bring sewing scissors onto planes, but I'm sure they'll allow you to bring bread on board. Hell, they even allow you to pack throwing stars in your checked baggage. What are these people thinking?

I shudder just thinking about a bread ball falling into the hands of the wrong person.

Posted by joeschmidt at 01:15 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us

Sightseeing tour of Nebraska via Google Maps

Posted on April 26, 2005 at 01:06 AM

Google Maps is an extraordinary tool, better than any map program out there right now. It offers local search results, good driving directions, and aerial maps. What more could you ask for?

I realize that Nebraska isn't the greatest state in which to perform a sightseeing tour. Especially with Google Maps. There isn't much to look at due to the limited quantity of detailed maps for the state. But we'll give it a shot anyway.

This idea sprouted from the following picture. I noticed it while looking around the metro Omaha area in Google Maps. (click image to view in Google Maps)

The message reads "We honor those who serve America". It sits in a field at the intersection of highways 370 and 75 in Bellevue Nebraska. What's cool is that it is about a half a mile northwest of the runway for Offut Air Force Base, which is a very heavily trafficked runway.

It's hard to gauge when the picture was taken, judging by the terrain, it was sometime in late fall or mid winter, and I am guessing it was taken sometime in the last two years. An absolutely awesome tribute to those that keep us free. What amazes me even more is that I found it on Google Maps, not via the local TV or other media. That would have required way too much effort, and I'm sure there were more important things to report on like rising gas prices, pitbull attacks, or various other stories about what's happening in "The Heartland". Personally, I would be interested in finding out more on the background of this message.

On with the tour. (click on images to view in Google Maps)

Memorial Stadium, Lincoln - For all you husker freaks out there

Nebraska State Capitol Building, Lincoln

Rosenblatt Stadium, Omaha - Home of the College World Series

Henry Doorly Zoo, Omaha - (A place I loathe to visit)

Lauritzen Gardens, Omaha - Another place I would loathe to visit (had I ever been there)

Strategic Air and Space Museum, Ashland - Located on I-80 between Omaha and Lincoln

First National Tower, Omaha - Claim to fame: tallest building between Chicago and Denver and south of Minneapolis (How about Nebraska's tallest building instead).

Fields outside of Alliance - Nothing to visit really. Just interesting crop patterns.

Bailey Yard, North Platte - World's largest rail yard (not some place you would want to visit, unless of course that stuff is cool to you)

Other interesting things I would have liked to capture would be Carhenge, Chimney Rock, or that arch out in Kearney over interstate 80. But I was unable to capture them due to the poor quality of the satellite photos available.

One more interesting thing I found on Google Maps isn't related to Nebraska at all. I remember this "landmark" from a Christmas trip my family took back in the early nineties. Get this, we drove from Lincoln Nebraska, to Salt Lake City Utah, to Las Vegas Nevada, to Los Angeles, to San Diego, to Deming New Mexico and then back to Lincoln. According to Google maps that's about 3,540 miles, conservatively speaking. But during the Salt Lake City-Las Vegas leg we stopped to eat at a McDonald's in Beaver, Utah. (Those of you know me might see where this is going.)

If my recollection serves me right, I distinctively remember the word "Beaver" written in large letters high up on a mountain just east of town. However to my dismay, there appears to have only been the letter "B". Though I swear that "beaver" was there instead.

Posted by joeschmidt at 01:06 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us

On the road - part two: Augusta National vs. 5 year old

Posted on April 20, 2005 at 02:07 AM

The effects of golf as a spectator sport, especially when viewed through television, have been well documented to cause most people to become dreary and fall asleep due to boredom. Just thinking about the soft monotone voices of the commentators, the slow play of the golfers, and the camera shots following the flight of the golf ball: from the point it is struck, to where it lofts hiiiigh into the air, then gently plopping down onto the green, makes me yawn even blogging about it. Yawn. (see, now you're yawning too.)

However, what effects would a live golf tournament, at one of the most historic golf courses in the world, have on a 5 year old boy? I present to you some photographic evidence:

Exhibit A: 5 year old, 30 minutes into his first visit to Augusta National

Subject appears to be happy, seems to be doing well at this point. No apparent side effects.

Exhibit B: 5 year old after 90 minutes

I noted a slight change in mood which can be seen here in his facial expression. Also note subject appears to be tangled in the guard rope. This was self-inflicted.

Exhibit C: 5 year old at the 2 and half hour mark

Subject's attitude has definitely headed south at this point.

And finally, Exhibit D: 5 year old after 2 hours and 31 minutes succumbs to complete boredom

Note: Subject is down.

Looking back this was pretty much a no-brainer and I was surprised he lasted as long as he did. So it is easy to conclude that a 5 year old is no match for a golf tournament, be it live in-person or on t.v.

Although he did manage to fire off a few salvos of his own. First, by dropping his golf ball onto the 9th hole and having it roll all the way down to the middle of the fairway with Tiger Woods a mere 150 yards away. Next he threw a pine cone onto the middle of the fairway at the 13th hole. Then finally removing the bark from numerous trees throught out the course.

After all of this, he and Grandma left the course and proceeded to a friend's house where they fed a purple alligator marshmellows. I do not have photographic proof of said purprle alligator, so I have to take the word of my 5 yr old son (who's been known to say anything) and my Mother (No she hadn't been drinking) that the alligator in question was indeed purple.

Photographic proof of the purple marshmellow eating alligator can be sent to me at joe.schmidt@gmail.com and will be prominently displayed on this site.

Posted by joeschmidt at 02:07 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us

Blogfluenza

Posted on April 18, 2005 at 02:04 AM

Definition - blŏg-flū-ĕn-zǝ: (noun) an acute, contagious disorder spread socially by those who read and/or maintain massive quantities of web logs(blogs). The condition is not life threatening but to this day has no known cure.

It has become apparent to me that more and more people are suffering from what I term as Blogfluenza. Since I couldn't find any information on the topic, I commissioned the department for blogopathic studies here at JoeSchmidt.com to conduct research into this area. After spending countless hours analyzing key traits of bloggers on the internet, they have released their findings in the form of the test below.

About the Blogfluenza Test

The test is comprised of 34 questions which are divided into two parts. Part one involves questions referring to general blog knowledge. Part two pertains to those who maintain or write posts on a blog(s). The questions are in the form of yes/no answer or multiple choice. For every question you answer yes, mark the allotted point value for that particular question. For multiple choice questions, choose the answer that best describes you and mark it's related point value for that answer.

Until I figure out how to automate this, use a pen and paper to tally your points, or use this pdf answer sheet (right click on link to download) to keep track.

Good Luck. When finished, please feel free to leave your score or anything you think may add to the better understanding of Blogfluenza.

The Blogfluenza Test

Part 1: General Blog Knowledge

1. Do you know what a blog is? (1 point)

2. Do you utilize a news aggregator to read blogs? (1 point)

3. Do you currently maintain or actively contribute to a blog? (1 point)

4. Have you ever left a comment on someone's blog? (1 point)

5. Are you familiar with any of the following terms: wonkette, kuro5hin, scobleizer, meme, boing boing, kottke? (1 point)

6. How many blogs on average would you say you read per day?

• 1 - 10 (1 point)


• 11 - 25 (2 points)


• 26 - 50 (3 points)


• More than 50 (4 points)

7. Do you know what the acronym GTD stands for? (1 point)

8. If you answered yes to the previous question, do you GTD? (5 points)

9. Have you used the word "blogosphere" in daily conversation? (1 point)

10. If you answered yes to question #2, about how many blogs are in your news aggregator?

• 1-25 (1 point)


• 26-50 (2 points)


• 51-100 (3 points)


• Over 100 (4 points)

11. How many news aggregators do you use? (web based, browser based, email based, client based)

• 1 (1 point)


• 2 (2 points)


• 3 (3 points)


• 4 or more (4 points)

12. Do you hate a person you've never met in real-life, judging them solely on the content of their blog? (1 point)

13. Do you know what getting "dooced" means? (1 point)

14. Is it possible you know more about a blogger you've never met than people who actually know the real person? (1 point)

15. Are blogs your main source of news? (1 point)

Part 2: Blogging Behavior

16. If you answered yes to question #3, how many blogs do you maintain or contribute to?

• 1 (1 point)


• 2 (2 points)


• 3 (3 points)


• 4 or more (4 points)

17. How often do you check the stats of your blog?

• Once a week (1 point)


• Once every couple of days (2 points)


• Once a day (3 points)


• More than once a day (4 points)

18. Have you ever left an ambiguous comment on a highly visited weblog just to drive people to your blog? (1 point)

19. When you experience something new or unique in your life, is the first thing that comes to mind is "I have to write about this in my blog"? (1 point)

20. When asked about something in your personal life have you responded "Don't you read my blog?" (1 point)

21. Do you have more friends with blogs than friends without blogs? (1 point)

22. Do you alienate those in your life who don't know what a blog is? (1 point)

23. Have you ever turned down sex in favor of working on your blog? (1 point)

24. Have you ever blogged while intoxicated? (1 point)

25. Have you ever "Live blogged" a public event, TV show, or movie? (1 point)

26. Have you ever complained to your web host for fucking up your blog's traffic stats? (1 point)

27. Have you ever blogged from a web enabled phone, PDA, or other mobile device? (1 point)

28. If a Google employee has an irregular bowel movement, starts a blog, or was seen in your local starbucks ordering a "Venti triple shot mocha, no whip" would you blog about it? (1 point)

29. Have you ever been "dooced"? (5 points)

30. Have you convinced your significant other to start a blog? (1 point)

31. If you use Google ads on your blog, do you sometimes blog about topics that will bring highly paid ads to your site? (5 points)

32. Do you have , or ever sought out, the autograph of an "A-list" blogger? (5 points)

33. Have you willingly quit your day job to make a living as a blogger? (1 point)

34. You've made it to the last question proving that you do not have blog induced A.D.D. from reading so many blogs. (subtract 5 points)

Tallying up the results

1 - 12 points Congratulations! You are relatively normal. While you occasionally enjoy reading blogs, there are no immediate signs of Blogfluenza in your life.

13 - 26 points Blogfluenza has you in it's sights. While you seem to be in control of your blogging habit, a sudden outbreak of Blogfluenza could occur within the near future. Proceed with caution!

27 - 39 points You are teetering on the verge of a Blogfluenza epidemic. Limit yourself to only light blog reading, get to bed before 1am, and only post about things on your blog that someone may actually care about or find interesting. Your penance: Refrain from reading blogs for 1 month. You'll thank us in the long run.

40 - 59 points You are a victim of full blown Blogfluenza, which at present date has no known cure. It is possible that you alienate those around you who are blog illiterate. You live or die by the RSS feed, ubiquitous internet connectivity and access to bloglines. Immediately trash your news aggregator(s), throw away the power cord to your computer, and preach to others the dangers of Blogfluenza. Your new life's mantra should be "Read books not blogs."

For all your blogfluenzic needs, visit the JoeSchmidt.com store.

Posted by joeschmidt at 02:04 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us

On the road - part one: Louis Vuitton who?

Posted on April 14, 2005 at 01:00 AM

While killing time during our layover at O'Hare, we thought we would stop and grab a bite to eat. But while standing in line at McDonalds, I noticed the woman directly in front of us was carrying this vintage blue leather travel bag. Very seventies-esque, but hip nonetheless. What caught my attention was something I noticed written on the bag. There in thick magic marker were the words "Louis Vuitton Who?" scribed on both sides of the bag in thick black marker. (see image)

(Note: The blur you see on the image is the head of my legal department trying to tell me he wants a chicken nugget happy meal with a sprite)

I'll be frank, I wasn't too pleased with how the picture turned out. But my only other option was to approach this woman while she was eating her supper and ask if I could take a picture of her bag. How creepy would that be? Imagine, some dude walking up to you asking if he could take a picture of your travel bag? Granted, taking a picture of the bag without her knowing while in line for a cheeseburger is a little paparazzi-ish, but at least my creepiness was unbeknownst to her.

As weird as it may seem though, this definitely made my day. It's not too often you see someone with a sense of humor and a little ingenuity to carry something like this out in public. Basically telling the man to stick it and letting others know that a $1200 purse does not define who she is.

Which brings up a whole other topic. I have two pet peeves regarding designer purses. Pet peeve number one: "Women who buy designer look-a-like handbags at purse parties and then try to pass them off to everyone as the real thing". We all know you didn't spend $1200 on your purse so drop the act, admit to everyone it's not the real thing and move on. No one cares about your purse.

Pet peeve number 2: "Women who refer to their designer purse as if it were an actual human being". This behavior was made famous by Jessica Simpson on her MTV reality show (shoot me for even knowing that).

Here are a few examples of this behavior to which I have been witness to while out in public.

situation 1:

friend: Hey Jill, how's it going?

them: Oh, fine Sue. Say, have I introduced you to my new boyfriend Louie? (woman holds up purse with wanton admiration)

situation 2:

friend: Hey Julie, did you just get back from lunch?

them: Yeah, me and Louie just went out for a quick bite to eat.

friend: Really? I didn't know you had a friend named Louie?

them: (holding purse in plain view, with an aghast look on her face) You know? My purse? Louie?!?

situation 3:

them: Hey Monica, could you watch Louie for a moment while I go to the little girl's room?

friend: (mouth held agape in train wreck-style bewilderment) whatever...

I realize these purses may be deemed by some as "cool" and sought after by the rich and famous. But unless you're pulling in some serious cash there probably isn't' much of a need to be buying a purse who's cost rivals the GNP of some third world countries. Chalk one up for affluenza.

Posted by joeschmidt at 01:00 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us

JoeSchmidt.com on the road

Posted on April 13, 2005 at 01:53 AM

Last week you may have noticed (probably not) some inactivity here on JoeSchmidt.com, that's because some of the crew and I were on the road visiting family in South Carolina.

Some South Carolina trivia for you:

• In 1778, it was the first state to ratify the articles of confederation.


• In 1860, it was the first state to secede from the Union, a precursor to the civil war, and formed the Confederate States of America.


• Scenes from the movie Deliverance were shot on the Chattooga river (how fitting?).

Over the next week I will be reliving some of our experiences and observations of life on the road. A few topics I will be covering include Waffle Houses, airport layovers, and why 5 year olds don't belong at major golf tournaments. So stay tuned for some gripping reports.

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4th edition retail alpahbet game: solved

Posted on April 12, 2005 at 01:36 AM

I've been trying to complete all of the answers for the retail alphabet game for the last 3 weeks, and now it's complete. Last Friday, reader liddie chipped in the answers for the last two letters completing Joey Katzen's 4th edition of the retail alphabet game.

If you're still playing along at home and don't want to know what the final two are, that's fine, I won't ruin it for you. But here are couple hints for the last two letters (A and D): drive by a new car dealership go or buy some trash bags.

For those of you desperate to know, here is a link to the complete list of retail alphabet game answers. (right click on link, and select "save as" to download)

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April Fool's Day 2005: redux

Posted on April 02, 2005 at 01:11 PM

My April Fool's post yesterday offered just a small snippet of what actually happened on the www. To catch up, here is a link to Wikipedia's complete list of April Fool's day 2005 pranks. The list is quite extensive, they even note real events mistaken to be hoaxes. It is still being appended, so check back later to see if there is something you may have missed.

All hail the wiki.

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Happy April Fools Day

Posted on April 01, 2005 at 12:53 AM

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. - Mark Twain

It has started already, only 53 minutes (CST) into the day. Granted it has been April Fools day around the world for 18+ hours already, I just expected a little more action. Where's Orson Welles when you need him?

Here's what's happened so far:

Google announces Google Gulp

Google is pleased to announce the release of Google Gulp (BETA) with Auto-Drink (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of "smart drinks" designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty.

Google Gulp comes in 4 flavors: Beta Carroty, Glutamate Grape, Sero-Tonic Water, and Sugar-Free Radical.

And for those of you watching your weight, Google Gulp is low in carbs.

Send Google Gulp bottle caps to me at joe.schmidt@gmail.com.

Update: A Google Gulp cap is up for sale on ebay Current bid is $99,999,999.00. Ridiculous.

Update: This auction was taken down for obvious reasons. Here is a picture that I captured from my web cache for the Google Gulp Ebay auction when the price was still at $15,090.

MSN Search Spoof: Create funny MSN Search results to fool your friends

The MSN Search Spoof lets you enter the first and last name of your spoof-ee, select their gender, and then select a stereotype that best suits them. Not satisfied with the stereotypes they have listed, then create your own.

Once you submit the query, MSN Search returns a list of fake search results pertaining to your victim and the stereotype you chose. If you're satisfied with what you see then hit the "It's perfect button" to email the results off to your target and/or friends.

Gmail storage increased to infinity+1

Today is the 1 year anniversary of Gmail, which ironically when introduced a year ago was thought to be a hoax. Google is announcing that Gmail will be offering users infinity+1 bytes of storage for their Gmail accounts (would that be an infinibyte?).

As of this writing they are already up to 1113MB of storage. My guess is that they will stop at 2GB of storage for now, but I don't think they're kidding about the infinity thing.

Would you like a Gmail account with an infinibyte of Storage? Leave a comment below and I will send one your way.

President Bush cancels Space Shuttle Program

Apparently President Bush has signed a decree to whack the space shuttle program stating:

"We cannot find any justification to continue deficit funding of a program that has no application other that proving that with enough money America can do anything," said Bush. "The whole world knows that already, so why keep spending money on it," he added.

Coming soon to ebay, the auctioning of the International Space Station.

This one filed from the "you've got to be kidding me department" here at JoeSchmidt.com

Google releases Google Underwear Search - www.undergoos.com The more I click around, the more scared I get. See Mountain View and Autostink for more details. You're on your own if you click on the "I'm feeling lucky" link. Can you say Mr. Snuffleupagus? (Note: This site is not affliated with Google. Duh, they have stock options to worry about now.)

Water found on Mars!

I can't believe it's taken them this long to find it.

Apple founder Steve Jobs joins ikea

Steve Jobs has been named acting CEO of Ikea. He will maintain his current CEO positions at Apple and Pixar.

Jobs is believed to have won over the phlegmatic Swedes with his legendary charm. "It's time this f***ing business of mass mutha****ing furnishing moved from the f***ing Altair era of f***ing self-f***ing assembly, to the Apple II era," he told the board.

Coming soon to an ikea not near you: "The Bono", "The Torquemada", and "The Waenka".

Do you GooHoo? or Do you YahGoohoo!gle?

Apparent merger of Google and Yahoo! Founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page to leave the company.

Looking for more April Fools day antics? Use Google's April Fools Day search feature. (Note: Site not affliated with Google.)

Stay tuned to this blog for continuous coverage of April Fools Day pranks as they happen.

And don't forget about those computer pranks.

Posted by joeschmidt at 12:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack | post to del.icio.us